Alright, so it’s time to try something new again! A few weeks again I stumbled upon CinemaSins video for Divergent and that inspired me to do something similar. Let me warn you now, if you are a big fan of this film and cannot handle it being made fun of, please leave now. The word “mock” is in the title of this post for a reason. I have been avoiding this movie. You guys know I hate bad endings and I knew this movie had one. I was sorta curious about it because of all the hype, but I could never really bring myself to watch it. I did it for you guys, hopefully for your amusement. If you enjoy it, I might try to do it again soon. They will all be me and Lauren mocking a popular film, probably a book to movie adaptation that everyone else loves (and we may even love), but that has some serious issues. Either way, here are our ramblings during the movie. I added GIFs where I could find the appropriate ones, but unfortunately the whole movie has not been turned in to millions of several second clips yet, so I had to make due. ENJOY!
Lauren: SOOOO EXCITED! I don’t know if I want you to hate it or love it. You can not tell it or fix it or change the ending. They keep showing us clips from the end of the movie. WHHHYYYY?????
Tabitha: there is nothing depressing about reading the same book over and over again
Lauren: How is that depression?!?!?
Tabitha: What book is she reading over and over?
Lauren: That Imperial Affliction book. It’s a weird little book. Journey to death? This makes me sad. NOT ALL CHRISTIANS ARE LIKE THIS. THEY AREN’T ALL HIPPY DIPPY PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE THIS. GOES INTO THE STORY OF HIS BALL CANCER. He’s playing Mario Cart, that’s not so bad!
Tabitha: ::snorts:: we’re here for you.
Lauren: Oooo…Isaac. You’re so cute.
Tabitha: That’s such a weird song. I love her death stare.
Lauren: I only saw her taking three different drugs, not eight!
Tabitha: she’s showing she takes them three times a day.
Lauren: oo…..Don’t put that in there…or do.
Tabitha: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
Lauren: Why make friends there? They’re all dying. Oooo…hi brother!
At this point, we switched from me trying to type everything myself to instant messenger where I could just copy and paste (and format) everything for your viewing pleasure. Please continue onward!
Tabitha: HIIIIIIII! ::waits impatiently:: Booooooooooooooooooooo
Lauren: He’s okay.
Tabitha: ::stares intently::
Lauren Goff: I mean like… there’s something a little weird about those full pouty lips. They’re girl lips.
Tabitha: Some girls like that kind of thing.
Lauren: His lips are more plush than hers.
Lauren: ISAAC BBY. Okay no.
Tabitha: A 5 year old’s lips are more plush than hers.
Lauren Goff: Glass eyes don’t move. His eyes are moving. BOTH OF THEM.
Tabitha: Are they not supposed to be? I’m 8…18 years old?
Lauren: Glass eyes don’t move with the other eye.
Tabitha: He has a glass eye?
Lauren: Isaac does. Or he’s supposed to. But both eye move.
Tabitha: Libba Bray has a glass eye.
Lauren: Yes and it doesn’t move with the other right?
Tabitha: No, I don’t think it does.
Lauren: It is fixed and stares straight ahead. His both move.
Tabitha: I didn’t know he was one legged.
Lauren: YES. I was wondering if they would have that in the movie.
Tabitha: She’s got nice sweat pants.
Lauren: Basically “Your fear is stupid.”
Tabitha: ::snorts:: Yes, it is. I do like her. I don’t wanna.
Lauren: Don’t get attached to that couple. Don’t do it. ALWAYS, ALWAYS.
Tabitha: I go into this under the assumption that everyone but Hazel will die.
Lauren: You’re like a third of the way right.
Tabitha: ::awkward head bob:: DUDDDDEEEE…That’s kinda pervy.
Lauren: This technique she is using is the Bella Swan technique. The shake head, gasp, half laugh, “PSH I AM NOT PRETTY” when she clearly isn’t hideous.
Tabitha: I actually don’t think she’s pretty.
Lauren: Yeah but she’s not UGLY.
Tabitha: I do like her hairstyle.
Lauren: Now THAT would be a cool movie, one legged ax murderer rampages on. He was?!?!
Tabitha: They don’t actually hurt you unless you light them.
Lauren: …..that’s…. stupid. That’s a stupid thing to do. Like that’s an idiotic thing to do.
Tabitha: I LIKE HIM SO MUCH AND I’M GONNA BE SO SAD WHEN HE DIES. ::awkward wave::
Lauren: Also he sucks at driving.
Tabitha: Cancer perk.
Tabitha: Are not that scary unless they are sticking into you. That guy is in True Blood. He’s Sam.
Lauren: IS HE REALLY?
Tabitha: Yes, the shapeshifter dude.
Lauren: I love that orange chair. WATCH THE ROAD.
Tabitha: ::Runs over trash cans:: Don’t worry about it. They don’t matter! It’s just trash! FOOSBALL!
Lauren: Did you see that sign with the car hitting the cow and the car flipping but the cow fine and it’s all “BEWARE”?
Tabitha: NOOOOPE. I like their awkwardness.
Lauren: That’s the book.
Tabitha: That weird book.
Lauren: The ONE book she reads.
Tabitha: Stormtroopers? Star Wars fan? ::rolls eyes::
Lauren: You’re gonna read THIS!
Tabitha: Counter Insurgents? I’ve never heard of it.
Lauren: It sounds like a Halo/Call of Duty thing but maybe with zombies.
Tabitha: Is that real?
Lauren: I doubt it.
Tabitha: Well boo on them. I love it when you talk medical to me. “Did he give it to you?” DIRTY
Lauren: I think you missed the part where she said “Herpes?” “Yes that’s a mother’s dream.” Yes you ARE
Tabitha: Liar liar pants on fire. STUPID PEOPLE WITH IPHONES. Why does everyone have an iphone? What the fu…..heck is so special about them?
Lauren: No idea! Cause like the narrator dies.
Tabitha: The book ends in the middle of the sentence? I’m going to die!
Lauren: OMG I LOVE THIS PART.
Tabitha: You can’t end a book that way!
Tabitha: I see the sign! The Cow sign! ICK Pink Floyd shirt.
Lauren: This part is FANTASTIC. His friend just has a psychotic breakdown while they calmly chat.
Tabitha: ::mutters to self::
Lauren: I love Isaac.
Tabitha: No I just want to cry and play video games. He’s gonna die too, isn’t he?
Lauren: NOPE, YOU CAN LOVE HIM.
Tabitha: ::instantly falls in love::
Lauren: I KEPT SAYING ALWAYS. AWWW BBY ILY.
Tabitha: He’s adorable.
Lauren: I love him.
Tabitha: And a little pathetic.
Lauren: How do people DO that. NOT THE TV. THIS IS IT.
Tabitha: There is actual a special clasp you can buy that does that.
Lauren: WATCH WATCH. KEEP WATCHING THE BACKGROUND. ALWAYS ::SMASH:: ALWAYS MRRRAAAGGGGHHH
Tabitha: I have to agree with his argument. I think it violates the contact.
Lauren: Don’t mind me, just having a psychotic episode.
Tabitha: It would anger me greatly. IS that real?
Tabitha: Or is he fu….messing with her?
Lauren: WELLL…The….the assistant MIGHT have read the email and MIGHT have answered without telling the author.
Tabitha: Ah, makes more sense.
Tabitha: BUFFY, ANGEL
Lauren: Did you hear that? “Does she get with the Dutch tulip man?!” Who is this mysterious Dutch tulip man?
Tabitha: Yes, I heard her. Bacanalia?
Lauren: WHAT THE HECK?
Tabitha: What does that mean? LOOK ON THE INTERWEBS. I must know now. Okay okay okay okay okay. NOW GO TO SLEEP.
Lauren: BECAUSE THAT THING WORKED SO WELL FOR ISAAC AND STUPIDFACE.
Lauren: Maybe? YEP.
Tabitha: That’s bad. That’s really.
Lauren: Oh yes.
Lauren: So bad. I HAVE TO GO TO AMSTERDAM.
Tabitha: No, that’s not exactly what he means. Even if that was him, which I know it’s not, but he is just mentioning that you should stop by if you ever are. He didn’t say “Yo, bitch, drop yo shit, and fly to Amsterdam right now!”
Lauren: YOU CAN’T LOVE HIM TABITHA.
Tabitha: I KNOW. HE’S DOOOOOOMED. Dude, don’t wear that. Don’t do that ever. It does not look good on you. Jersey’s like that don’t look good on anyone. Not even Basketball players. A Walk To Remember much?
Lauren: Yeah and ooo now we’re at the awkward dad, bf convo portion.
Tabitha: FUN. At least he doesn’t have a shotgun.
Tabitha: REALLY? I’m sure he’s not realized that yet. What with the oxygen tank and the trouble standing and walking for more than a few minutes. I LOVE IT
Lauren: I think you should use it on the post. 😄
Tabitha: Will do. Circle of virgins?
Lauren: You would NOT still be a virgin. Also can we please go to the skeleton playground?
Tabitha: I think we’d have to build it. There isn’t here locally. He hasn’t used his wish yet, has he?
Lauren: Of course not.
Tabitha: He’s going to use his wish to make her happy, isn’t he?
Lauren: If you had waited two seconds.
Tabitha: ::swoons:: Yes you are!
Lauren: NO NO NO, YOU CAN’T LOVE HIM. LOVE ISAAC, NOT HIM.
Tabitha: I do like Isaac, but…but….but
Lauren: ::SMACKS LADY JUNK:: BAD
Tabitha: I know he’s doomed. ::dies:: I cannot believe you just wrote that
Tabitha: But….So that’s a not a chance in hell
Lauren: GEE THANKS. MORBID LADY IS MORBID.
Tabitha: And weed. What is happening? I mean, I know she has cancer, but what is actually happening?
Lauren: Uh… I think like fluid in her lungs again or something? I’m not sure if it explains. LOOK AT THAT WEIRD MUSTACHE APPARATUS.
Tabitha: Ah….helpful movie, very helpful. I see it.
Tabitha: That isn’t good news, is it? What are they doing?
Lauren: No, no… whenever it does that weird fade out of words, it’s never good news.
Tabitha: How is mommy sobbing helping baby? Shouldn’t she wait until baby is out of sight? Dick.
Lauren: At least out of earshot.
Tabitha: Awwww…is she ignoring him? BOOOO.
Tabitha: BAD HAZEL.
Lauren: CAUSE THAT ALWAYS FIXES EVERYTHING.
Tabitha: HE’S GONNA DIE AND YOU NEED TO SPEND EVERY POSSIBLY MOMENT WITH HIM.
Lauren: HOW? YES. How is it not fair? You’re both gonna die? I mean…
Tabitha: I love him.
Lauren: Her dad WILL LIVE.
Tabitha: YAYAY. Creepy ghost swings. That’s how horror movies happen.
Lauren: Instead of dying of cancer, he dies via possessed swing set.
Tabitha: YES. That would be a twist no one would see coming. You think it’s a sappy cancer flick and then it turns out to be this epic horror thing with possessions and demon children’s toys. I command Hollywood to make it happen.
Lauren: How does the SKY make you SAD? THE CLOUDS GUS, THE CLOUDS. The swing set of tears. IT’S SO TINY.
Tabitha: Maybe it’s not tiny, maybe they are just huge.
Lauren: Here it comes, the grenade speech.
Tabitha: The cancer version of the Edward Cullen speech.
Lauren: People don’t TALK like that.
Tabitha: BBBOOOOOMMMMMM. No, they don’t.
Lauren: I feel like that grenade song should play now and he could sing it. “JUMP ON A GRENAAADE FOR YA”
Tabitha: Grenade song?
Lauren: Homgggg. GUS COULD SING IT.
Tabitha: Ahh…I’m not much of a Bruno Mars fan.
Lauren: Oh yay pedophilia jokes.
Tabitha: “Cuz that’s not creepy.
Lauren: PEOPLE DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT.
Tabitha: No one is unique. We are all versions of the same thing. STUPID SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE. You, stupid Tris, cannot save him. He will be betray you.
Lauren: It’s actually really sweet. I might cry.
Lauren: Just be prepared. Later, not now, later.
Tabitha: Does Gus die in Amsterdam? And where is Isaac? The previews had a bunch of him in them.
Lauren: No, and he comes back…soon…ish. They see him again after the trip.
Tabitha: And why is the assistant doing this? She knows it’s not going to end well. BELLY.
Lauren: IN A LIMO.
Lauren: John is adorable. I love John.
Tabitha: I do too.
Lauren: Screaming metal death trap. I FEEL YOUR PAIN GUS.
Tabitha: I would be excited and terrified.
Lauren: THAT METAPHOR IS PROHIBITED.
Tabitha: That’s an orgasm face.
Tabitha: It is! She is, I’m not! I have never seen those movies!
Lauren: Oh yeah JUST FRIENDS. ::starts singing the Boom song::
Tabitha: It’s called Boom Clap, just FYI. Oooo…dinner. Subtle, really subtle. IT actually is a pretty dress.
Lauren: Her mom is like PLZ GO BANG. Basically.
Tabitha: Well…I mean, she kinda expects her to die soonish. Why not want her to bang? Would you want you’re child to die sexless and alone?
Lauren: I guess. It still seems a bit strange though for the mom to be that cool with it. Also I love the light bulb trees.
Tabitha: Me too. But…champagne is yucky. I love the waiter.
Lauren: Yeah the waiter is great. His funeral suit, as in for his funeral.
Tabitha: ::waggles eyebrows:: I get the reference. Awww…but I want that.
Lauren: That’s not heaven.
Tabitha: Mansion, unicorns, the whole shebang.
Lauren: That’s Cloudsdale.
Tabitha: WE MUST GO THERE.
Lauren: Crap. We’re almost to the point where I might start leaking from the eyes.
Tabitha: Leaking what exactly? Methane? Oxygen?
Lauren: NO PAIN, SALTY PAIN.
Lauren: SALTY LIQUID PAIN.
Lauren: NO NO NO NO NO STOP IT. Do European countries just have these random mini orchestras hanging out on street corners?
Tabitha: I guess? I’ve never been, so I wouldn’t know. But almost every movie seems to portray it that way.
Lauren: Oh dear. She says that like she thought they would help him get over being a meanie pants but oops it doesn’t work.
Tabitha: kfjewoifjwaofwaoijwaoifjewfoieanwinvwo;vnw’ofqepfihaewp’ofnaLFNvW”O:Ghnws’ngfqgN That’s my response to that. Also, MORON. ddddaaayyyuuuummm. Fan mail everywhere.
Lauren: BEFORE HE TURNS INTO THE GOBLIN. RAAAWR.
Tabitha: ::makes rawr hand gestures:: ::hides:: I don’t wanna watch. I wanna hide.
Lauren: Oh he actually DID reply maybe the assistant just did the inviting thing.
Lauren: You do.
Tabitha: Ha ha ha. Obviously. ::hides:::::::::::: :::runs away::: DO NOT WANT THE AWKWARD.
Lauren: TOO BAD, YOU GET THE AWKWARD.
Tabitha: MY MIND AND BODY ARE NOT READY. Play what? Bumfadalara?
Lauren: BUMFUTTERLALA! Haven’t you heard of it? GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE. You uncultured swine. Gobble gobble gobble.
Tabitha: ::dies:: ahhhh….AWKWARD. Wwwooo. I so thought he was going to break it. ::drinks more booze:: What the ever loving hell is he talking about?
Lauren: I have NO idea.
Tabitha: How does that even make sense? OUCH.
Lauren: Ooooo, rude.
Tabitha: Ooooo…burn! Dddddaaaaayyyyyuuuuummmmmmm. I feel the sting off that burn. YOU ARE A FAILED EXPERIMENT IN MUTATION.
Tabitha: Oooo…language. Bravo. I approve of that remark. AWWWWWW. GO AWAY STUPID LADY. DUMBAS…..person. He’s going to carry her, isn’t he?
Lauren: Nope! She does the whole thing herself. She’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no man.
Lauren: You know that’s gotta be kinda rough on him too.
Tabitha: Yes, it is.
Lauren: It’s okay, her struggle is soon rewarded.
Tabitha: By Gus’s death.
Lauren: No no, by a make-out session.
Tabitha: ::snorts:: Not surprisingly, I’m not an Anne Frank fan.
Lauren: It feels a little weird to me. that people would make out in what’s basically a Holocaust museum.
Tabitha: People make out EVERYWHERE.
Lauren: Like I would not be clapping I’d be like… couldn’t you guys wait a bit?
Tabitha: No, they couldn’t. They had to do it now. Fondles chest discreetly. I HAD SSSSEEEEEXXXXX. Lots of sex. That’s not gonna happen.
Lauren: I forgot about this. UM.
Lauren: Prepare yourself. Yeah just uh…. you’ll see.
Tabitha: Do they get it on somewhere kinky?
Lauren: WHAT? NO! JUST WATCH.
Tabitha: Damn, that would have been great.
Tabitha: WHAT? SPEAK! Explain! Don’t point at the TV. EXPLAIN. Ah. The cancer. Got it. You know what I love? The big quote for this is spouted by the douchepants and not one of the characters. NO shot….that was edited for your approval.
Lauren: Aaaand this is the point where everything goes downhill into pain town. I… beg to differ.
Tabitha: Why is he even doing chemotherapy?
Tabitha: If he has cancer EVERYWHERE?
Lauren: I…. guess his parents are trying anyway? I don’t know.
Tabitha: Lefter? IT’S ALL DARK TO ISAAC. ::tosses eggs::
Lauren: ::watches it roll away:: She doesn’t call the police or… anything just… let them egg her daughter’s car.
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Tabitha: That picture does not even look like him.
Lauren: …Uh oh. Oh crap. Oh crap. Nope so much nope.
Lauren: “How is he doing?” Uh…WELL, He’s kinda dying.
Tabitha: I thought it was all dancing rainbows and sunshine. I keep imagining her just pushing him up to a cliff….and then tipping him over
Lauren: TABITHA! OMG!
Tabitha: THAT’S JUST WHAT CAME INTO MY BRAIN AND I THOUGHT I’D SHARE. DEATH…oooo…opposite. No, you’re not. You’re normal. You’re an average person. Nope.
Lauren: Mother daughter things make me weepy.
Tabitha: That make me confused. I don’t understand them.
Lauren: I agree with that one guy I find this to be kinda cruel, having them stand up and read their eulogies to him.
Tabitha: Well, he wants to know what they’d say.
Lauren: Yeah but like gah.
Tabitha: Super human good looks?
Lauren: ….Isaac baby
Tabitha: Too bsf b[afiwpfjawo’ifjwa…hands…keyboard…work!
Lauren: I love you Isaac.
Tabitha: ::says in Bad Cop voice:: TOO BAD
Tabitha: I still haven’t shed a tear.
Lauren: YOU ARE SOULLESS.
Tabitha: Yes, I am! Thank you for noticing. She stole that! Ahh.
Lauren: SHE REFERENCED.
Tabitha: She admits that she is a thief.
Lauren: Sort of. How very brazen of her. ::SNIFF:: FOR OUR LITTLE INFINITY ::SNIFF SNIFF::
Tabitha: Still dry eyed.
Tabitha: WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS.
Lauren: IN THE NUMBERED DAYS…HNNNGHH…MY SOUL
Tabitha: I’m good.
Lauren: HERE IT COMES
Tabitha: Oooo…baby, that sounds dirty.
Lauren: She’s wearing his shirt. That’s his shirt.
Tabitha: No, NO MA’AM!
Lauren: THAT’S RIGHT. THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Tabitha: I will not do that. Well, really, what did you expect? You knew it would happen. Did you expect it to be easier just because she knew it was coming? BULL. I call bull. You didn’t “save you’re 10.” BULL BULL BULL BULL BULL
Lauren: HUSH IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE PRETTY.
Tabitha: Lies aren’t pretty.
Lauren: OH HEY LOOK.
Tabitha: WHAT THE HELL? Was that real?
Lauren: DID I FORGET TO MENTION?
Tabitha: Or is she hallucinating?
Lauren: HE CRASHES THE FUNERAL
Tabitha: No, I’m going to pretend he is a hallucination.
Lauren: Oh no, he’s REALLY there. “Special friend”
Tabitha: ‘Cuz if he’s a hallucination, that could be a side effect of the cancer and she’ll die soon.
Lauren: Nah he’s real.
Tabitha: And they’ll be together in…what did you call it? Cloudville?
Lauren: YOU KNOW FROM MLP.
Tabitha: AH. Duh.
Lauren: ….you say that like it’s kinda profound but I mean…
Tabitha: As I said…DUH.
Lauren: GUESS WHO!
Tabitha: Her hallucination!
Lauren: He’s a real one.
Tabitha: A real hallucination?
Lauren: No he’s real.
Tabitha: No. I refuse.
Lauren: I really don’t remember that part in the book. Oh look someone picked up the sad and lonely swing set. BE NICE TO ISAAC. I have this headcannon that they get together, her and Isaac. HERE LET’S RUB SALT IN THE WOUND BY FLASHBACKING THROUGH THE PAIN. You have a sputtering soul!
At which point my computer died, so no more commentary! Final thoughts? I didn’t hate it like I thought I would, but I didn’t love it like everyone else did. This movie was depressing, but I feel like there are kids out there with cancer who need movies like this for them to relate to. They are young and they aren’t going to grow old and they need something to give them hope that their limited time here isn’t meaningless. It’s fine for them and I’m happy if it gives them hope, but for cancer-free me ::knocks on wood::, it’s just sad. I do really love the “some infinities are just bigger than others” quote. What did you think about the movie? Let me know in the comments!